Quest For The Egg Salad (2002)

Cast: Jesse Green, Chris Seaver and Tim Ekkebus

Writer: Chris Seaver

Director: Chris Seaver

Feels like not too long ago I was introduced and possessed by the insane world of Low Budget Pictures. The not having the ability to follow with extreme loyalty, I have been allowed to get my hands on what few and proudly owned films that are in my collection. I still recall back to my first encounter with an LBP film. It was "Quest For The Egg Salad". While watching, I wasn't really paying attention cause I was cleaning and such but one scene caught me and made me restart the whole film, in which I laughed my ass off and my mom whom I was living with at the time said "this movie is retarded just like you" whilst watching and laughing her ass off as well. So in the wake of Low Budget Pictures closing their doors, I decided I will HONESTLY review the films I have seen so far. I emphasize on honesty because as I said before I don't suck up and these as are many of my reviews are my honest opinions and thoughts on the film or films in my blog.

The film is a slick and subtle blend of fantasy parody and gross out comedy and what a mix it is indeed because it's extreme underground humor, better yet LBP's extreme underground humor is unmatched. Mixing nostalgia and reference into each film definitely gives them a thumbs up from myself and many LBP fan's of the like. The story is in the vain of "Lord of The Rings" but with a better ending and not amazingly long and boring, where a group of mighty warriors must stop the evil Goblin King from tasting the egg salad for he'd rule the land with darkness. Joined by the cunning of a beautiful elf, these proud warriors set out on their adventure. Encountering battles with the minions of The Goblin King, and facing even crueler beasts such as Elegant Elliot the brood continue to march on to their feat and never back away as the true warriors they are

This film is really not for everyone, but indeed a cult classic amongst much films to offer in the LBP library. I have yet to be disappointed by the films I've seen so far and hell they're honest about their films they're "Low Budget Pictures" so if you can't dig with that shiz-nit you can suck Bone Jacks big black dick.The production quality isn't too bad either for it being low budget, it looks decent and the sound is clear, so suck it up jerkies. Plus how can one love independent films, when micro-budget and low budget are truly and honestly independent films? This may not be everyone's cup of tea but It's mine for sure.

The plot is pure satire and get's funnier as the film progresses, the Dvd also includes a making featurette which also offers a Hysterical intro by the late "Michael Jackson". There are references too many films, music and so on and it gives off an even better blend to the humor. The dialog in the film is insane and random and you feel like you're on a great acid trip on the way to the funny farm and that definitely is a great thing.I've had several parties where I showed and it made sides split and everyone of course thought Teen Ape was the man, cause he is.

This film, like many of the others, is definitely for fans of Troma and fans of the cult underground altogether. I highly recommend this and many other titles to anyone that can appreciate truly independent cinema. There are a lot of Independent companies and Directors out there that deserve more praise and credibility for their work, Chris Seaver and LBP are definitely one of the many and it's sad to say goodbye, but in my heart LBP will always remain insane and never forgotten. Stick around for more LBP reviews on my blog and with that "Quest For The Egg Salad" reigns an enchanting five egg salads out of five. "Now I want a fucking egg salad"

5/5

The Good, The Bad, The Subhumanoid: Class of Nuke 'Em High Part III

Cast: Brick Bronsky, Lisa Star and John Tallman

Writers: Lloyd Kaufman, Stephen Gerard, Eric Louzil, Carl Morano, Jeffrey W. Sass, Matt Unger, Mark F. Roling

Director: Eric Louzil

I finally had the chance to watch this one summer of 96, if my memory serves correctly. During Cinemax's "Month of Teenage Troma" and I was extremely excited to see it as well. Being such a Troma fan at a young age, anything that was tossed at me was a treat, even more so when it was a sequel to one of my favorite films. Of course I've still been adamantly awaiting the fourth installment in the series, but some how feel it's very unlikely to happen, although it's mentioned here and there and they had or have several scripts if I'm not mistaken. It will definitely be great to see what is cooked up now for a sequel, but may not work unless it marks the return of Brick Bronski or there's just the right plot to tie them all together then again it's Troma they can do whatever the hell they want!

"Class 3" Picks up right where the second one left off, all the ending carnage and Roger trying to save his lovely sub-humanoid. Tromie is hit with a mega nut bomb and the day is saved, Roger becomes Mayor of tromaville and has twins, that end up killing their mom during the birth process. One is stolen and Roger never knows of it and raises Adlai (Brick Bronski plays Roger, Adlai and Dick) whom is a peaceful intelligent super sub-humanoid, where as his brother is raised by the hands of the evil Professor Holt (Lisa Gaye) and her gang led by the younger brother of the Squirrels.

The plot as usual is tromatastic craziness and I think I enjoyed this one more than the second, though I love the second as well. It was a weird yet cool way to wrap up the series and didn't have as much stock footage as "Toxie 3" (though Toxie 2 and 3 were originally set to be one film) It's great to see the return of Brick Bronsky amongst the new characters and random cameos. Call it bad taste if you will, but I can't seem to find anything wrong with the series, aside for the fact I'm still dreaming and waiting for IV. I find it kind of funny that Toxie had a set of twins which is paving the way for the now confirmed sequel of the series "The Toxic Twins: The Toxic Avenger V"

The fx are still cheese grade greatness which always bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart. You have your serving of death of course starting with the ending chaos of 2 and ending with, well you can't spoil for those that may have not seen it and if you haven't you can order the special edition along with other great titles here on the web, simply go to www.troma.com and place your order.

Overall, as I stated I loved it and it was the perfect strange end, to the perfectly strange trilogy. It will always hold a place in my heart and I still watch it often, along with many other great titles in my film library. Though I didn't have much to say or give much of a break down, it's for more means, like I tend to mention, For the fans of cult that haven't seen it to see it. I hope many that haven't seen it can get the same enjoyment from the film that I have and it always pleases me when I get to show the trilogy to an unintroduced friend and we end the night quoting the films or them claiming to be a sub-humanoid and so on. It's always a treat to be tromatized and with so this bad mother gets a four and a half out of 5.

4.5/5

Class of Nuke 'Em High Part II: Subhumanoid Meltdown (1991)

Cast: Brick Bronsky, Lisa Gaye and Leesa Rowland

Writers: Lloyd Kaufman, Eric Louzil, Carl Morano, Mark F.Roling, Jeffrey W. Sass, Matt Unger

Directors: Eric Louzil, Donald G. Jackson

After my encounter with the original "Class" I was lucky enough to see the sequel, one reason I used to love Cinemax back then. The second film in the trilogy had different Directors on board this time, but back then I never paid attention to credits really. As far as I was concerned all that mattered to me was seeing "Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz Present A Troma Team Release". If I saw that I was sold on the idea of it being gold. Some Troma movies are terrible, no doubt about it, but since I was young Troma was always about the Kaufman and The Herz. I don't automatically negate any of the other films from other directors, but we all know in actuality that's what Troma is. Sequels can be good or bad as well all know due to falling into the right hands or the wrong hands in both writing and directing. So where does this charming sequel end up?

After the eminent destruction of Tromaville High School, the school becomes reconstructed as a College? A vivacious professor experiments creating her own brand of humanoid known as sub-humanoids, which have know feeling and know no emotion at all. The Professor then decides to conduct an experiment using her sub-humanoids to pleasure unlikely students on campus, where a young reporter decides to try his luck and ultimately falls in love with the sub-humanoidette and tries to be in a relationship with her. The campus is also overrun by a new gang known as the Squirrels whom torment and torture students on the campus as well as sub-humanoids. Then the sub-humanoids begin to meltdown and all hell breaks loose on campus but the biggest problem is a 30 foot rodent on the prowl.

The plot is cool and ironic since its a college now and of course Troma breeds all types of irony which is never a bad thing. This one focuses more on just one main character and is narrated by him through out the film, as the film begins in the midst of chaos and his story is the build up. There's also a cameo appearance by Toxie which is random and funny. The plot doesn't really rival the first film, but can't be discredited cause it's not a refried sequel. Its definitely different but with similar premise and isn't the greatest sequel ever made but is a pretty good sequel nonetheless. It has it's share of laughs and randomness and still holds up as a Troma film.

The body count is pretty high, seeing that sub-humanoids are melting all over the place and a giant squirrel is kicking ass and taking names. The death scenes range from pretty bloody to awesomely goofy and really add more fun into the mix. We still get some foaming deaths and such, and our squirrel throws in a mix of piss and stomping into the agenda as well, making this Definite Troma buffet. A lot of cheese and crackers indeed.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty cool sequel, but it definitely isn't up to par with the original. It's more like it's own element in ways but that doesn't make it too much of a bad thing. There's a lot of chicks in bikini's, a lot of very odd outfits and it makes a blend of what I like to call "Toxic Punk" and I consider the entire trilogy to be just that a "Toxic Punk Trilogy". I loved "Tromie" and thought it was random yet cool to throw in a giant squirrel cause after what caused the destruction of the first school in the original, you gotta go big. all and all I think it's worth seeing again if you haven't seen this and are a Troma fan, I feel it passes more as a sequel as opposed to some other sequels I will review later in my blog. With that "Class of Nuke 'Em High II: Subhumanoid Meltdown" gets four giant rodents out of 5.

4/5

Class Of Nuke 'Em High (1986)

Cast: Janelle Brady, Gil Brenton and Robert Prichard

Writers: Richard W. Haines, Mark Rudnitsky, Lloyd Kaufman, Stuart Strutin

Directors: Richard W. Haines, Michael Herz, Samuel Weil (aka Lloyd Kaufman)

Remember back when TV was cool? I do, MTV played music, USA had "Up All Night", TNT had "Monstervision" and so on. During the summer time Cinemax used to have a month of Troma, where every Weds evening they would give if I recall one or two terrific Tromasterpieces. One Faithful evening, seeing at my young age I was exposed to "The Toxic Avenger" and it turned me into the Tromaniac I am today, I had the opportunity to watch "Class of Nuke 'Em High". Knowing it was from the creators of "The Toxic Avenger" I knew it would be nice and violent and of course goofy and cheesy, just the way I like it. Sure enough it further sucked me into the world of Troma and helped mold my rotten mind for the future.

The film is set in the mythical town of Tromaville, NJ at Tromaville High School, which is near a nuclear power plant that seems to be effecting the school and pupils of the school. The honor society, now a gang of vicious cretins called the Cretins, are forcing their drugs upon students and causing bad in the school. Soon enough they purchase some super weed from their connect at the power plant and call it an atomic high and start to sell it off. It isn't before long that an unsuspecting couple get their virginal hands on the weed and smoke only to have a night of awesome sex followed by days of nightmares, odd transformations and sickness, which leads them and the school into bigger troubles than they can handle.

The plot is great in my opinion, it's such a different take on High school B movies, most are slashers of some sort, which isn't a bad thing, but this one is totally outrageous, different, and definitely a Troma film. I like the characters in the film both good and bad. They all have something to offer and grow attached to, even if it is something radioactive. The Cretins, lead by Spike (Robert Prichard) offer up everything from beautiful and tough girls to pierced wackos and a tranny. While Warren (Gil Brenton0 and friends have their cheerleader, bozo buddies and air headed girlies. The dialog brings each of these characters their own persona that you can't help but love if you're a fan of the cult that is.

The death toll, is pretty high though the film isn't as gory as "The Toxic Avenger" it has it's share of nasty and odd. From oversized erections to instant pregnant belly, to a fist being shoved down someones throat and so on. You have all the right fixings of what makes this film an instant Troma classic. The rest of the fx are of course signature as well, with the green foaming and so on it just Screams Troma in every way and it looks great to boot.

Overall, I hold this film, with many other B films dear to my heart and am very glad to have experienced this at a young age. It's fun, nasty, weird and just Troma at it's finest and I highly recommend to any Troma fan whom shamefully may have not seen this flick. Which is highly unlikely since netflix exists. I miss the frustrating times I had looking for Troma titles and other great film selections as well. Sure I love the fact that I can get them in my hands and part of my collection now with no problem, but the venture was the game of "seek and ye shall find" and with most great movie markets shut down, it's kind of sad. Though the knock at my door with a package of goods is still one of rewarding factors. One rewarding factor is that Class of Nuke 'Em High gets five cretins out of five.

5/5

Slime City (1988)

Cast: Robert C. Sabin, Mary Huner and T.J. Merrick

Writer: Greg Lamberson

Director: Greg Lamberson

When I was a kid and video rental stores ruled the earth, I would always wander and peruse the horror section. This was one of many films as a kid I was not allowed to see cause my mom thought the cover was too disgusting. Many years later, while shopping for DVD'S, I see it as a new release and without question, just to ease my curiosity I buy it.Now I never seen or heard anything about this movie and even then I wasn't so active with the internet and such, I would just buy on instinct and intrigue unless it was something I did hear rave on or read up on in Fangoria. At most with this I read the back of the box and it further intrigued me into buying it cause it sounded just about right to my liking. Now on to my thoughts of the infamous "Slime City".

Many may wonder what a film like "Slime City" is about, well the film is about a young college student in the hunt for an apartment and so he finds a nice little affordable place. But the neighbors of this building are a bit odd. He's given strange wine and yogurt by them and starts to not feel well. He starts to become slimey and grows a rage to kill. Later he finds out each of his neighbors were all like him and have had their bodies taken over by the original occupants of the building which were all members of a cult.

That's the synopsis in a nutshell cause if you haven't seen this film, you MUST. This is really on the top of my list of cult classics and I highly recommend it. The plot is cool and very B with of course the horror elements, you do grow a like for the characters of the film, even as odd as some my be the all offer some form of wacky and odd input into the film and help make it great. It definitely as all the means and correct elements of it being the cult classic it is and the acting isn't half bad either.

The violence and bloodshed is also great and very different adding to the weirdness factor of this film and throwing off any form of being predictable, whereas one man's hand is eaten by a stomach. One of many odd yet awesome scenes in the film. Sure the film isn't swamped in gore but it is a gory fun flick and I'm sure it's appreciated by plenty of cult followers and will be by future followers as well.

Overall, I feel this was one of the best purchases I've ever made on a film with almost no input on, cause it was totally worth the value I paid for and introduced me to another film by Lamberson which I liked alot as well called "Naked Fear" Which comes as an extra feature on the DVD. I still plan on buying the "Grindhouse Collection" of "Slime City" cause it brings a few other films by Lamberson as well and I still can't wait to get my filthy mitts on the long awaited sequel to "Slime City" known as "Slime City Massacre" which Im certain is great. "Slime City" is a definite must for fans of the B and cult and is a royal gem in my collection that will alway be cherished and seen, This film beyond the shadow of a doubt gets five slimey corpses out of five.

5/5

Street Trash (1987)

Cast: Mike Lackey, Bill Chepil and Vic Noto

Writer: Roy Frumkes

Director: J. Michael Muro

Back in the early 90's when I was a kid and my family moved to an area here in the Bronx that actually had cable, I was introduced to many great channels and shows. One of which was "Short Attention Span Theater" on Comedy Central, which if I remember correct would air Friday evening/ Saturday morning at 12:00 am. This program would show clips from movies and the hosts would say funny jokes about it and so on. Through this show I became obsessed with many B-Horror films and not to mention "USA'S Up All Night" as well. But it was this show that gave me my first glance at the film that I obsessively searched for until it was finally released on DVD. That film is "Street Trash" and this review will unlock the answers as to the film being worth the wait or a prolonged disappointment.

The plot of this film, is most certainly B and definitely original, A liqour store owner finds a mysterious case of booze in a hidden sealed of compartment in his store. He decides to sell the booze called Viper to all the homeless gents that bother him regularly for just a dollar. Unaware that Viper has more bite than expected and turns these homeless folks in to molten puddles of neon goo. The homeless population are lead by an ex vet whom most of them answer too except for to brothers. So you have all types of hijinks with this homeless crew in the junk yard they occupy, viper and more.

The characters are very fun and add delete to the film in many ways, they range from funny, to odd to flat out wtf? You have your bad ass no nonsense cop, your superior king of the bums, your good brother bad brother, the horny owner of the lot, his assistsnt he keeps trying to bang and the rest of the wacky "Flatbush Foot Brigade". The acting is good for a B-flick cause many have very bad acting but can still hold a torch of proud cult cinema and this film is definitely one that is stand alone and has it's own torch that can hold and like many a great B-movie still hasn't been matched to.

The death toll, is pretty good serving up some strange death scenes and weird gooey gore scenes, it definitely makes "Street Trash" a one of a kind experience. The gore is good though you get some body parts here and there an explosion and a lot of melting bums. It's not really a gore film, but it does serve up a nice helping of death and a whole lot of funny carnage.

Overall, this film was worth the wait as impatient as I was to see it. When purchasing it I became even more eager to see it and once finally watching it, was completely satisfied by it. It has the feel of a classic Lloyd Kaufman film, but at the same time it doesn't. It definitely does stand next to greats like "The Toxic Avenger, Class of Nuke 'Em High and so on, and is just as stand alone. I would have loved a sequel but at the same time and glad there wasn't one cause the film is perfect as is. With that said, I high recommend to fans of the B if they haven't had the chance to see this film yet and give this film five cans of booze out of 5.

5/5

Piranha (2010)

Cast: Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell and Richard Dreyfuss

Writers: Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg

Director: Alexandre Aja

Well as many may know, I'm not a fan of remakes. I am a fan of Alexandre Aja and he proves more and more that he will not sully and destroy a classic with an ass backwards remake and that's what I love about him. If only Hollywood would actually let him work on his own original ideas rather than them just trying to use him to re-market classics for bank.Guess they never really paid much mind to "High Tension" or maybe Aja would be taking more seriously for his original work in France, where horror seems to be on much higher demand and has a ballsy mainstream market. Not to mention the mainstream market of other regions as well that put American mainstream horror to shame. With that I will share my thoughts on Aja's take of the classic "Piranha".

The film is about an earthquake that causes the bottom of a lake to split open revealing a cavern where prehistoric piranha have been surviving for centuries by breeding and feeding off of each-other. Just in time for spring break, these piranhas are unleashed, hungry and pissed off and already to make blood flow. Elisabeth Shue stars as the sheriff of this nice wholesome town turned red, and does her best to try and warn all the young, drunken, horny college kids that their lives are at stake and of course the don't listen until it's too late.

The plot of course, like the classic is cool, because things like this can happen and is how they have found certain prehistoric fish and so on. I thought it had good pace, the right amount of humor and was definitely bloody. Some my argue the fact of the over use of CGI, but have to keep in mind it was meant to be a 3D movie and even the use of animatronics wouldn't give these little suckers the motion they had.

The cast was good and to be perfectly honest I had no clue who was in this film so seeing Elizabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell and Ving Rhames was cool along with cameo appearances by Richard Dreyfus, Christopher Lloyd and Gianna Michaels (Drools). Of course with this being a Hollywood film you have decent acting and the characters aren't to bad either. Everything seems to mold well around the idea of spring break and at least the locals aren't stupid hicks town peoples like most films tend to treat small towns people.

The gore is plenty, nothing to extreme or explicit but you get blood and gore as you would expect from a film filled with piranhas eating spring breakies. You have a lot of water chaos, limbs, blood, guts and silicon. It's a nice little blood bath and it sure is fun to watch and I wish I could have seen it in 3-D. There's even a few humorous death scenes aside from the silicone that I got a great laugh from. And to all those that Hate Eli Roth, he gets a nice little death also.I forgot to mention his cameo as well, and still wonder why people hate him so much. Well the blood and gore is there and is sure to entertain quite a few people that just like to jump into a tank of piranhas and be eaten alive.

Overall, I enjoyed this film, it was fun and didn't focus on stupid nonsense that had nothing to do with the film, like some films tend to do. It stood on base with the story of the piranhas and it stood on base with the main characters and those at spring break ultimately making it well written and well directed. It's definitely one of the best remakes Ive seen, but when it comes to the best remake ever, hands down it goes to John Carpenter's "The Thing". But even though it's not the best of all time it doesn't mean that "Piranha can't get five victims out of five.

5/5

Maskhead (2009)

Cast: Douglas Bell, Jerami Cruise and Lacey Fleming

Writer: Scott Swan

Directors: Scott Swan, Fred Vogel

I know with back to back TTP posts, it may seem like I'm really pushing them. But I tend to do back to back posts if I watch the films one after another whereas they're still fresh in my mind. Well here's another from Toe Tag Pictures and this one came out before "Sella Turcica" obviously. When I saw the trailer for this one years ago I thought "It kind of looks like August Underground, except filmed more cinematic". I'm not trying to under mind the people at TTP, But alot of what they put out, with the exception of "The Redsin Tower" and "Sella Turcica" have  similarities. Though "Maskhead" is much different from the "August Underground" series and "Murder Collection V.1". Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

The film is about a lesbian couple whom are hiring male and female porn actresses to act in their film, which is more on the fetish side. What these unsuspecting actors and actresses don't know is that they are targeted for the main actor of the film, a big mean mother named "Maskhead" who tortures and kills his victims in a fetish snuff manor. Which totally thwarts my opinion on this film being anything like "August Underground", it has it's similarity do to the snuff aspect but the characters here aren't just blatant psychopaths, this is their business and well business is good.

 The plot is what it is, I can't say its bad but I can't say it's good. This is the kind of idea that relies more on the execution and the writing rather than the idea of the plot. Anyone can hear the words fetish and gore and think something to be sick and either be intrigued by it or stay away from it. The execution of the film was shot out of chronology and though it pieces in at the end and you get what's going on, it may lose some or have many wondering what the hell is going on as it can feel like a badly edited project. So it's something you have to sit there and watch or else you may get lost.

The characters were kind of dull, the acting I felt added to the dullness of the characters and to be honest it was mostly the female characters of the film whose roles were a little over acted. I'm not to sure if it were to follow the small comical aspect of the film, like their commercials which were pretty funny and the "Maskhead" movie which is randomly shown which has a cool theme song. But I felt they over acted and tried too hard to be sexy and mysterious and just looked callow and silly. Not trying to say they're bad actresses, or their characters suck, just that it seems a little overdone at some points and it certainly didn't ruin the film. The Cowboy was funny and I think "Maskhead" himself looked pretty awesome.

The body count is so so,you don't get anything too memorable in my opinion until the final scene, which I thought was pretty cool. Again lack of budget left them constraint to possibly having more death and such, but the scenes are are stricken with are still rather tasty and realistic looking for a film of this budget. Though I felt the "August Underground" series had much more death to offer on a lower budget, which may be the case, this is a bigger production and many have to consider location values and so on. The gore you see is on point just don't expect a blood bath.


Overall, I enjoyed it and maybe my honesty sounds like I'm contradicting everything bad about the film, but certain films are for certain people and this one is in the bag for me. It's something I would surely recommend to those with similar tastes to mine cause I'm sure they'd get some joy from the shock value in this film. Although, it does give the viewer a sense of chaos while watching the film, but some viewers would probably get annoyed by it and just shut it off. I'm not trying to bash the folks at TTP whereas I am a fan and I feel they have tremendous potential, it's just this one left me a little high and dry and I kind of expected more. It's not the worst film ever cause it is dark and a bit on the sicko side, which I like, but out of the love of the macabre and cheesy (no disrespect intended) I can still manage to give it four Maskheads out of five.

4/5

Sella Turcica (2010)

Cast: Damien A. Maruscak, Camille Keaton and Jade Risser

Writers: Don Moore, Fred Vogel, Shelby Vogel

Director: Fred Vogel

Before I get started, I'd like to state , I am a fan of Toe Tag Pictures first series "August Underground". I found it to be great but that's a whole different review or reviews altogether. I wanted to say something about the ludicrous back and forth review wars on the "Sella Turcica" IMDB page. I think in my opinion both the fans and the haters have their valid points in certain aspects but can't help but feel, the great reviews and the bad reviews are related for some reason. There were certain claims stated that really had nothing to do with anyone's arguments and some of the haters kept emphasizing on the same exact words or terminology used in response towards the film. With that I'll say, everyone is entitled to hate what they want to hate, love what they want to love and anything else in between. No amount of warning can keep anyone away from something "bad" in fact it works in reverse. I write my reviews based on my own honest opinion, I know a few directors and they know if I think their shit sucks I'd tell them up front. Someones "turd" is the prize of someone else. So on to my thoughts of "Sella Turcica".

Well to be perfectly honest, the trailer and film in ways screamed "DeathDream" to me, but rather than cast it out as a bastardized rip off I saw it as more of an Homage. Since both being similar yet different. For those that may not know Sella Turcica is a depression in the shape of a saddle at the base of the human skull, in the sphenoid bone. Sella Turcica is also Latin for "Turkey Chair" (Turkey like the country) and basically a lot of it's causes are seen throughout the film happening to our leading man, it may be a bit exaggerated as to where he seems more lie a zombie (sorry if that's a spoiler) but it's just to give an understanding as to what it is and what the condition can cause to happen.

The film is basically about a soldier returning back home from Iraq after being relieved from active duty do to an unknown accident leaving him paralyzed and missing for days. He returns home and really does not look good at all. Aside from being ridden to a wheelchair, he's also very pale and seems rather out of it and weak. So we witness his struggle as it grows from worse to chaotic and it effects his family in the worse way possible.

 The plot was decent, though as I stated it reminded me of "DeathDream" and I prefer to see it as a homage, rather than a blatant rip off. Its fairly easy for anyone to be sought as a rip off and if that's the case, explain more of Vogel's work. It felt a little slow really and dramatic which is definitely a different step for Vogel and Team Toe Tag, and not necessarily a bad step either. It's always great to muster up something new and experiment. Not to find your niche really, but to offer more to the fans.

The acting however, was kind of here and there and either ranged from semi-decent to terrible. I have to give Murascak his due, he did a pretty good job and although he was most picked on I have to say Harvey Daniels role flowed naturally. Not to sound as if I'm trying to make Black men sound stereotypical, but He reminded me of many people I know like him. So in my opinion he was great and had more ups than downs. I grew fond yet annoyed of Gavyn (Daniels) and I felt very sympathetic for Murascak's character as well. He's coming home from war not knowing what's wrong with him and it seems as if his family is too self absorbed to care and some even seem to be using him as an excuse to be that way. I feel that is a realistic interpretation of how many families can be and in ways many can relate to. Last but most certainly not least Camille Keaton. That is all. If you don't know the Queen, then you're obviously not a fan.

The death count isn't too high whereas this is more of a focus on the final hours of him and the family and does not escalate beyond that. But the gore is nice you can always expect impressive gore from TTP even if it's minimal as it was here. I would love to see what they can do with a greater budget and more time on their hands, more time leaves more room for less errors and a lot of independent films run on short schedules due to everyone's schedules and so on. The deaths are pretty graphic and gruesome though and they made me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Overall, I really enjoyed this film. There are certain points where the writing felt a bit lackluster and it dragged, but it was the intention to feel more for the characters so it's not a bad thing. The music had an eerie yet gloomy tone to it and I feel it set the right mood for the film cause many will sympathize for the character and characters.  I would only recommend this film to a selective crowd of people that I know can sit there and watch the film and appreciate it for what it is. The film didn't bore me cause the story was pretty solid and can invoke emotion to those who are not biased towards lower budget films. I can't help be feel, in my opinion, Vogel has the makings of a modern day Fulci. I did like the film and that will allow me to give this film four and a half busted skulls out of five.

5/5

Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell (1986)

Cast: Theo Depuay, Kelley Kunicki and C.W. Casey

Writer: ????

Director: Don Swan

I remember going to the video store as a kid and perusing through the horror flicks. Being raised on horror I always had to watch them when video night came along, even if it were one horror movie. On the top of the shelf stood a movie box proud and tall (seriously it was the size of a vcr) and I never forgot the cover cause it creeped the hell out of me. I forgot the name however and was never able to see it, especially as a kid cause my mom did not approve of the films box art. In my late teens a friend had a membership to a local video store in his neighborhood, that has been there since he can remember. We decided to go rent a few good flicks and to my surprise this film was in their selection. Curious, we had to rent it.

The box art looks cool, the title sounds cool, its a b-flick from the 80's so it's gotta be cool? NO, it's not! not at all, in fact it is the most wretched piece of horse ass I've ever seen in my life. This films "plot" begins in the 1300 or so where some wizard is cast out and doomed to an eternity of feasting on human flesh. So what does he do? Fast forward to the 80's where he owns a shitty bar and grill. You're expose to way too much dialog which I think is improvised, like this entire atrocity. It seems like the kind of movie a group of friends winged with their youtube videos and ironically were shot at the same place whilst wearing the same clothing. Or with less effort shot in one night, with this piece of flaming elephant shit I'll pick the latter of the two.

Aside from the shitty zombie curse bullshit, there really isn't a plot or set characters aside from this old retard of the living dead that looks quite alive. We're forced to sit through random dancing and not of the icarly kind. A lame ass scene with some asshole on the piano singing, he watch this fuck tard of a zombie make a drink and mind you there's even a lamer joke in the end credits about the drink. Usually for a bad film I would say the best thing about it was the credits. But even this films credits made me want to take an infected bladder piss on an electric fence after having a rusty pipe reamed up my dick hole and a fire ant colony move in. And that's just the end credits. If I could express the amount of dick fart this film made me feel for wasting the hour and twenty minutes of my soul when I could have more than likely been doing anything, it would be a bibliography of epic sorrow.

Never in my life, has a film pissed me off so bad, I had to get drunk after, my friends and I literally beat the shit out of each-other for not turning off the film or just walking away. This film made me want to commit suicide and I am not over exaggerating, this film is epically bad. Just about every review I've read about it claims the same facts of it being probably the worst movie ever made. It may or may not be but to me it most certainly is. Notice I said "most" reviews? Yeah some asshole in the NY Times actually had the balls to compare this horses shit box to the work of Herschel Gordon Lewis. Funny cause his films had plot, and premise and most of all GORE! Where the fuck is all the gore in this piece of anal rape?

FX? Ha, so cheap it makes the worst Bollywood film look as epic as T2. The one "gory scene consisted of a guy screaming and the "Zombie Chef" holding what looked like a chicken cutlet in his hand. This film made "Ice Cream Man" look like "Cannibal Holocaust". There's also a scene where the zombie "fights" with one of the wizards, whom is a hobo, and they appear to be using the force on each-other. As you can see the "writer" if this person exists, was so terribly ashamed of this fuck fest that "it" remained anonymous. If I had to guess I'd say THERE WAS NO FUCKING WRITER, THEY MADE THIS SHIT UP AS THE WENT ALONG! Or the writer commited suicide shortly after this failure was released.

Overall, there is absolutely nothing good about this film aside from the very deceiving box art. But then even that isn't good cause it can reel in the unknowing into thinking they may watch a gory masterpiece and what they get is a prison gang bang of a film. And a prison gang bang might be more promising whereas it has a premise, everyone is horny and you're the fish. At the end they cum, you shit out blood and are soiled in semen and boom it's a movie. UNLIKE THIS GOD AWFUL PIECE OF ASS VOMIT THAT HAS THE NERVE TO BE PRINTED ON CELLULOID. Avoid this film like if it's a diseased hot chick with blue waffle and leprosy on her tits. Actually that ideology sounds too interesting. Avoid this film as if you're a christian trying not to go to hell, because this film will send you their and you would need God's grace to save you after. Too bad God's grace can never save this atrocity from receiving the rating of..... This film definitely goes down in the "Anals" of horror and film history cause it was the shittiest piece of shit ever released from the bowels of film. I'd like to buy a copy from each person involved with the film, get them to autograph it, then beat them with it and steal my money back and take theirs as well, assuming the have any.

XII (2008)

Cast: Steven Brand, Michael Leydon Campbell and Jeremy Fitzgerald

Writers: Michael A. Nickles, Tennyson E. Stead

Director: Michael A. Nickles

Before watching this film, I never seen anything or heard anything about it. The friend that gave me the film just gave me a smile and I figured why the hell not. Even more so the fact he never gave me a synopsis, which leads me to wonder if he's ever seen the film or not. This films seems to have really slipped under my nose cause during 2008, i hit conventions, premieres and so on. I got to view some of the greatest sequels, films that would be remakes and of course a lot of great indie horror from talent which still are very underrated. But i never heard or seen this film. I do of course understand the amount of films released in a year span and can not expect to see every thing, but a little buzz would have sufficed, especially since I thought this was something released maybe last year or the year before. It still being recent, I still would've expected some word especially since the box details it to be shocking and so on. I could think one of two thinks, complete over selling or completely true. So here are my thoughts and counts on "XII".

The plot is about a man who is accused for having sexual relations with a minor and is sent to prison for five years. After being released he decides to exact his revenge on each specific member of the jury and collect their faces. The film centers on 2 Texas waitresses who were coincidentally members of the jury and are also best friends, sub plots somewhere one the lines with one of the girls ex boyfriends who also was part of the jury and certain doings of the killer.

The kills are nothing really special, whereas you don't really see much of anything. You get about three or four solid death scenes and everything is left to the imagination or just not worth while. The killers mask is a la homage to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, in which I think most of the film is, he drives a pick up truck, he skins the faces of his victims, wears a dead skin mask and takes them to an undisclosed area which is full of his victims.

The film isn't completely terrible, it's just another example of a pretty good concept executed terribly. But understanding filmmaking and distribution and such it may not be so much the directors fault. It can be a flip of a coin and I tend not to under mind too many indie film directors cause of so. Though the posters are way to over hyping the film cause it really isn't shocking. The idea is pretty cool and they could have really worked it so many angles and probably can even pull a sequel off from it. Then again you can make anything into a sequel with the right ideas. The acting was here and there and there were just some of the actors who tried too hard and it was kind of funny to watch really.

Overall, I don't think I'd really recommend the film. Its tolerable yes but it hardly lives up to it's over hyped expectations. I didn't hate the movie, but I didn't really get into it either and I may or may not see it again. It was barely memorable and I only saw the film a night ago. I wouldn't mind seeing a sequel, if that were to happen I'd check it out just to see where they go with it. I saw the film with a complete open mind and did like two of the death scenes, But it was not enough to save this film from getting two and a half skinned faces out of five.

2.5/5

Against The Dark (2009)

Cast: Steven Seagal, Tanoai Reed and Jenna Harrison

Writer: Mathew Klickstein

Director: Richard Crudo

A few days ago I'm at a friends house, we always chat films and put each-other on to some nifty flicks, of course only if one of us has never seen it. So he's going through his stuff and asks "Have you seen Against The Dark" to which I reply no. He then says "I won't put you through that", I respond "Why not" and he says "It's a zombie flick with Steven Seagal. I then began to burst out laughing to which I responded after "I WANT IT". I didn't care if it were crappy or what, I needed to see this cause it sounded mythical and sure enough it was Seagal running around in a trench coat kicking. So hold on to your eyeballs as I give my usual formatted break down on Steven Seagal Zombie Ass Kicker, I mean Against The Dark.

The film is set in a city obviously, I'm not to sue if the city was disclosed but it's definitely a city, apparently the city has become over run with infected and as usual people are doing their best to survive against the hordes of infected running amongst them. Some are survivors with the will to live while others become hunters with the will of chance to clean out the infected. Ultimately Seagal is the leader of one of these hunting groups and they're running around kicking zombie ass with swords, guns and knives and also be hitting them very hard and throwing them into stuff. They eventually run into a group of survivors in a hospital (which the hospital sign resemble the Kotton Mouth Kings band logo), whose numbers are dropping rather quickly and since Seagal's crew are for the people, they ultimately fight by their side to try and get them out of the hospital and into safety, only to move on and continue their hunt.

Okay, now some where along the lines, the film confuses me. It opens with the definition of the word infect, shows chaos and people being eaten by other people, so naturally we think zombies. Somewhere in the film one of the characters dismisses the fact they the infected are eating humans and turns it into "they crave blood" and then acknowledges them as vampires. The trailer of the film also acknowledges the infected as vampires as well, whereas another character in the film acknowledges them as mutants. So I go with the latter and stick with mutants because they sure as hell didn't die like zombies, seeing how some were just shot in the chest and I remember seldom seeing head shots. But seeing that I solved my confusion, my real confusion was why would something like that even be written in the script in the first place. You either make a zombie movie or a vamp movie or a mutant movie not try to blend all 3 and confuse the audience. That's just STUPID!

The plot was pretty intact, had a stable idea with terrible writing decisions and mediocre to no character development at all.It also seemed kind of every where and the fact the film is sold on the idea of Steven Seagal as the star is just I guess to market the film. He is in the film and is the leader of the bad asses but they're more like a sub plot than the main characters, which for some reason their seem to be entirely too much of. There are disastrous scenes of over exemplified fear, such a display is when an infected person is running towards the group and everyone takes off screaming bloody murder while Seagal and his crew just wait for this infected guy and blow him away. That's pretty much the survivors blatantly putting themselves in danger, and I think realistically or in a better film, someone would've written it a little more towards the obvious. Also i couldn't get past some of the acting in the film, the femme fatales in Seagal's team looked like they were there just to look hot and act tough and stay shut. Just one example.

The death scenes were also pretty mediocre seeing that this kinda plays more like an action film with horror elements, Though you do get some blood and gore here and there, nothing too over the top or to really be impressed by. The infected ranged some looked zombie like some looked like humans with shark teeth all and all the fx altogether didn't really stand out and added to the blandness of the film. Though their were explosions which are fun to see and most of them were actual explosions as well so that's fun.

Overall, I laughed through the whole film and thought the idea they were going for was rather interesting and good, but it was executed in an almost unforgivable manor. The cinematography wasn't to horrible, their are a lot of great shots, some for me which exist during the explosions at the end. But the idea behind the infected was flawed and maybe if they would've been a little more spot on with what they were, the film could have worked a bit better. If you're a Steven Seagal fan you might want to check it out for the sake of being a fan. If not you might still want to check it out for the sake of a good laugh. Its not a completely terrible film, it could be boring as hell which it isn't cause there's a lot of action in it, it just fails as a horror film and not even Steven Seagal can save it from two and a half severed heads out of five.

2.5/5

Dream Home (2010)

Cast: Josie Ho, Michelle Ye and Eason Chan

Writers: Ho-Cheung Pang, Kwok Cheung Tsang, Chi-Man Wan

Director: Ho-Cheung Pang

At first glance at the poster and title you probably wouldn't think much of it, how can a movie called "Dream Home" possibly fit in? You'd probably think "it's a little suspense film with nothing to offer" like a lot of movies we get these days. You also wouldn't expect for this film to be a nice gory slasher film either. Well not much in a traditional sense of slasher but it actually is. There are a lot of films in Asian cinema where the gore comes at you out of nowhere and those that are just thrown into your lap. "Dream Home" is one that catches you off guard and is very well one of the best films of this new year. I will give a brief description and a review about the film and why this sickly, twisted masterpiece should not be missed. One reason amongst all is, it's based on a true story. Which should be a cause of concern cause this could happen anywhere and more than likely has.

Although the film is in select theaters now in the U.S. "Dream Home" was originally released in spring of 2010 and well as we know, international releases come out later. I prefer to use the original year rather than the current later release cause I'm very obsessive compulsive at times and I like to be accurate with little details as to not lie to my readers like many writes do. I had the opportunity to watch this, not in theaters but from the comfort of my living room as do many of you who may be reading this. Thank to IFC On Demand, you get to watch films they've released right on your home. Which is both good and band. Good, because if you had no clue about certain releases, release dates, screening schedules and so on, you can simply order and have the film to your viewing content for 24 hours. Bad because it pushes more great films to the side while we're raped by Hollywood bull cocky films that lack a lot of integrity and tend to rip off plenty of films primarily in the foreign market.

The film is about a young woman whom is working her ass of to save up enough money to move out on her own. Seeing that the job market and prices suck do to the economical crisis, Things for her seem to only get worse as they get better. Taking care of a sickly father and her younger brother, working as a telemarketer, a shoe sales person and even as a call girl, she seems to be dealing with struggles that are more trouble than they're worth and it begins to build up. After finding a beautiful apartment and discussing details with the Realtor, she decides this is the place she wants and all is said and done. Until the landlord decides to raise the price on her and she decides to lower the value on the building by brutally murdering it's occupants.

The plot to the film is crazy, it has the force of realism and shows pretty much how anyone, no matter how sane or strong can just take and take until they snap and decide to go after what they want by any means necessary. You definitely grow sympathy for the character as moments of her life which basically caused her current reaction are played back and it  really helps the character development as well as the overall film. It's not just a good old fashioned blood and guts flick, it also has a very solid story, like many foreign titles as of lately. The pace is good, you don't wait too long for something violent too happen (if you're just watching for blood and guts) and the blending with the economical crisis is an extra plus cause it shows that we're (U.S.A) not the only one effected by this, you even learn a bit about the currency difference between China and the U.S and would be at awe with how a lot of the people out there are truly suffering.

The death scenes are a blend of "I've seen that before but not like this" to "well that's pretty creative" and most of them are pretty bloody. I can say that many reviewers are over hyping the expectations of the viewer but the film will not disappoint the gore hound. You have a nice body count also and all of the victims are unsuspecting which makes this even more brilliant and the killer is a female which is a major plus and has been the thing for plenty of films in the past but has been coming back in effect over the past few years. I personally feel "High Tension" was one to set those gears into motion as far as interpreting the psychological horror with intense violence and having the antagonist a female. It's good to have a female antagonist away from the whole rape/revenge cause it sets more of a tone of compassion in the character in an intense way of course.

Picture Source: www.bloody-disgusting.com

Overall, I definitely enjoyed the movie. I didn't enjoy the fact that my cold medicine kicked in and i became drowsy, but even that could not pull me away from this gripping slice of gory heaven. It was filmed right and my only complaints were the minor CGI sequences that are plenty forgivable as well as understandable and one scene with a highway and city shot where you can clearly tell a model was used for it. But I thought it was rather funny and found it to be cute and those minor details still can't stab me away from giving "Dream Home" a house warmer rating of five dead neighbors out of five.

5/5

The Thaw (2009)

Cast: Val Kilmer, Alexandra Staseson and Brad Dryborough

Writers: Mark A. Lewis, Michael Lewis

Director: Mark A. Lewis

I recently heard of this film from a friend because I've been completely out of touch for many reasons. The biggest reason is seeing many a horror movie websites that claim to be all about "true" horror banking out to Hollywood and almost ultimately shunning independent films. This is one reason why I'll never be a real critic, because even if it's one of my random beliefs, I solely believe eventually every critic is paid off for a good or great review of a shite movie that Hollywood or the "top dogs" want to sell off to the people. That's just b/s in my book and whether it's true or not is not up for discussion and to be honest I really don't care. One thing is for certain I need to get back in touch and keep up with upcoming great horror flicks regardless how crappy the sites that promote them are.

There are hundreds of films released monthly, on the big screen, straight to dvd and so on. Some are hit, some are missed, some are never seen or heard of. Fortunate enough this film was better late than never and as one of many films of the "Ghost House Underground", I am very proud that it was my introduction to the world of  "Ghost House", because an itchy film like this should not be missed.

The film takes place out in the Arctic where a group discovers a frozen Mammoth in a polar ice cap. As it begins to thaw out so do a myriad of prehistoric parasites living within it. The bugs make their way under the skin of the research team and cause they to become sick and not to mention, they lay eggs and multiply with in the person. Unknowing, a group of students is sent to come out to the site as well as the site leaders daughter, whom is actually turned away when she reaches the Helicopter that's taking them to the site. Being the rebellious girl she is, she ignores her fathers orders and decides to go any way, only to learn her father is missing and something is right. That's when little by little the group learns about the nasty little flesh critters and try to fight them and fight for their own lives.

This film felt like a subtle blend of "Ticks" or "Bug" meets John Carpenter's "The Thing" meets "Cabin Fever. It's not as Bloody as those aforementioned, but it does have certain subtleties that reminded me of them and that blend worked really well. You have the flesh critters like in "Ticks" only smaller like "Bug", you have the group out in the Arctic like in "The Thing" except with civilians on board and no horrific transformation and you have the nasty sickened state kind of like "Cabin Fever". Also not to much the banding together and not trusting who may or may not be infested, or as in "The Thing" and "Cabin Fever" infected. I don't see this as being bad, it's just my analogy of the similarities of these films which make a great homage to classics.

The plot is really good, it's set around Val Kilmer's character, but focuses more on the students, which is okay cause it all builds up to secrets being uncovered and so on. Plus the character development isn't too bad either. The acting is good and a lot of the emotions of the character's are brought out. However, like most films, no real tears. But that's all forgivable and is also something not too many play mention too really. Not to mention that certain bugs and/or parasites have actually been discovered in similar terms, which throws in the "it can actually happen?" card.

The bugs are nasty little creatures that stir up some nasty sickness and some okay death scenes. There isn't much of a body count here or much gore. But you get a small decent share which fits the pace and tone of the film. And if you have a fear of bugs you will be disturbed by these critters and on how fast the multiply. They're like the bed bug epidemic gone nightmare It would call for severe quarantine and more than likely neutralization of the city infested, if something like that were to happen out here or travel out here to the States or any other region for that matter.

Overall, I really enjoyed these nasty little buggers and trust me I don't like bugs one bit. But these little guys found their way under my skin =rim shot= and into my heart. The feel, the pace, the tone and so on are the key ingredients to making a great film. I definitely recommend this this infestation, especially to people that hate creepy crawlers. So if you have a girlfriend or potential love interest whom is scared of horror and bugs, great film for cuddle time, especially with all the nasty these things cause. So grab the Popcorn, your favorite insecticide and try not to be "bugged" while watching these bugs, bug the life out of people. (and do mind my failed attempt of humor)

5/5

Laid To Rest (2009)

Cast: Bobbi Sue Luther, Kevin Gage and Lena Headey

Writer: Robert Hall

Director: Robert Hall

On stumbling upon this film I had no idea what to think. I felt fortunate however cause it was on netflix shortly after it's release so my brother and I gave it a watch and thought, worse case scenario the move would suck. To our surprise it was a great film and we both felt lucky on making the decision to watch it. This was one of few films in a while to actually impress me and I knew from there this film would be legendary and it is. Impatiently awaiting the sequel I felt it only right to write up a review on the original. If you haven't seen this film yet all I can think is you're living in a "dead box" and hopefully my review can help convince those of you lost in nowhere land to watch this blood splattered masterpiece.

I'm not going to give off much of the plot as usual cause well, you know me I don't like to spoil too much. The film is about a girl (Bobbi Sue Luther) that wakes up in a coffin with total loss of memory, she get's out to find out a killer named Chrome Skull (Nick Principe) is trying to kill her. She get's out and does everything to escape but "Chrome Skull" stalks her every move and destroys everyone that comes in his way brutally. It's not long before she befriends to locals Tucker (Kevin Gage) and Steven (Sean Whalen) who of course become mixed up whilst trying to help our beautiful leading lady.

The plot, is awesome in my opinion. I like the feel of restlessness and the whole need to know but don't. You're left with a lot of unfilled answers the biggest being who is "Chrome Skull" and what's his motivation, but I personally feel sometimes you just don't need to know, you need to survive. Even if the audience want to know the film is still forgivable and for the most part you'd probably be too wrapped up in the film's violence to care who this guy is. Plus the pace is really fast and when it's over you'll definitely want more. Not that the film is short it's just that damn good.

The acting is really good and along with the pace, setting and atmosphere of the film I can't believe this film didn't get a theatrical release. I feel Bobbi Sue Luther is definitely a scream queen for this current generatn and more to come. She's a great actress and is extremely beautiful and the innocence she portrays in her character just makes you want to hold hr and say "that man's gone now, no more bad man." Kevin Gage and Sean Whalen are also great actors whom I feel are very well underrated and this is one of few films with Whalen where he wasn't some odd person with two lines  This is a true masterpiece of horror and it deserves to be over recognized. "Chrome Skull" is just awesome, he kind of looks like the kind of guy you'd see at a fetish masquerade, camera and all. He has killer wheels and an awesome arsenal of two really boss knives and whatever the hell he get's his hands on. He's big and mean and types on a cellphone and lets it do the talking for him. I didn't even know that was possible or maybe he's just that awesome.

The kill scenes were really impressive and bloody as well. Like "Victor Crowley" from "Hatchet", "Chrome Skull" aims to kill people dead and does a mighty fine job of doing so. You won't be disappointed by the death scenes in this film, you get a nice serving of brutality along with beautiful cinematography so you don't miss a drop of blood. It's not the goriest film ever made but the blood and gore in this film is splatterific and impressive. Hopefully the sequel spills more blood and is just as Impressive as the first one, judging on the fact Hall is still on board I'm sure it will be a superior sequel and will not disappoint. The trailer alone looks great and I can't wait till it's release. I haven't even bothered to read a synopsis of the sequel. I just couldn't resist the trailer. The posters look epic as well, so far the visual department for both films are great like the overall production of the first film.

Overall, this film is one of the best slasher films of the new millennium and I put this one on the top of my list with "Hatchet" as two of my all time favorite slasher films. Just don't make a Vs. movie in the future, those always fail. I highly recommend this to anyone that hasn't seen it and is in the mood for a good hack and slash thrill ride. Again, the pace, the setting the atmosphere is excellent. The acting is on point, the cinematography is great, the soundtrack is awesome and everything all of the above is what made this great film become an instant classic and why many a horror fan are impatiently awaiting the return of "Chrome Skull" in "Chrome Skull: Laid To Rest 2" and there will definitely be a review on that once its released but for now I rate this bloody masterpiece five severed heads out of five.

5/5

River of Darkness (2010)

Cast: Kurt Angle, S. William Hinzman and Kevin Nash

Writer: Bruce Koehler

Director: Bruce Koehler

I'm a fan of wrestling, I've watched and enjoyed wrestling for years. Our wrestlers have put their bodies on the line for us to give us a good show and some promotions, well just suck at it. Wrestlers seem like very good actors when they're in the ring, backstage area our in a random interview for the promotion. But are they really good actors at all? This is one of many films with wrestlers in it and while some wrestlers can act in every field others just might not be able to or just flat out can't. This film is a prime example of a wrestling starred film gone very wrong and even as a fan of wrestling, I can't take this film serious with it's overtly serious tone and highly dramatic over acted scenes. Now on to what this film is about.

The film is about three dead brothers played by Psycho Sid Vicious, Kevin Nash and Bill Laing. Though the film primarily focuses on Sid and Nash when the three are shown. They're basically seeking revenge on their killers and the descendants of their killers and kill anyone that goes near the river. Kurt Angle stars as the worlds most useless town sheriff, (which i guess is honest and on point with any sheriff so he nailed the role) whom is trying to get down to the point of these murders before learning about the ghosts. He then wanders around town and receives phone calls from his even more useless deputy and get's blamed by everyone for the death of the towns people. One of the towns men played by "Glacier" (yes WCW's Glacier) knows what it is the ghosts want and what will end the curse that seemed to be going on in this viewer's opinion for oh let's say a week. He and some other towns men decide they want to try to put and end so the venture to meet these evil ghosts and give them what it is they came back for, which is of course revenge.

This film is laughably terrible, its extreme sense of over dramatic indulgence reaches a breaking point of being almost satire. Although I am a Kurt Angle fan, his acting was so bland I thought I heard people in the movie chanting "YOU SUCK" and in scenes with him talking to "Glacier" i felt like they were filming a promo for TNA, yes it's true, it's true. The other wrestles just had to do nothing but look "scary" which also was kind of a laugh and "kill" which I'll get to in a second. The rest of the actors/actresses in the film seemed like the were being paid in curds in whey cause there was minimal effort, especially in death scenes. It was just wow, I've seen bad acting, but did the budget go on the wrestlers only?

The death scenes were extremely cheesy, I've seen films with lesser budget and lesser production quality with better, bloodier and more visually realistic looking death scenes than this. There's even cherry red cgi blood in some of them, which adds more to the laugh out loud scale. There isn't much of a body count and most scenes are either left to the imagination or we get to see what's left of the corpse which is kind of boring for a fan that's already pretty boring as far as plot is concerned. But if you have a good sense of humor, like I said it's full of lulz.

The tone of the film is INSANELY dramatic for no reason, even the music. It sounds like they really put effort into emphasizing the terror through the music or the over acted dramatic scenes, which is pretty much the entire film. I have never seen such a film that i felt tried TOO hard and this one did. The shots were stale and were all practically the same in every scene so it set the stale tone of the film even more and all the dark scenes seemed too bright as well. There was so much that could have been done to make the scenes creepier, to make the death scenes cooler, to make the acting better, and that would've been either not making the film or the writer director maybe finding someone that can direct to make his movie? But I do give it to the director he does get some big names and several for this being the second film on his directorial plate and as bad as this film was and is it's godsend next to films like "Tower of Blood".

Overall, this is a bad film, the average film watcher would hate it and TNA fans would probably love it on principle of being "true" fans. But it's in fact a crappy movie, even more so that the cover of the film is the ultimate deceiver cause you see Angel in military garbs and he's the sheriff of some crappy little town. Way to false advertise! I'll more than likely watch more films by Koehler keeping and open mind but with little expectations. I mean after all there are fans out there cause he's still going strong and I'm just a movie fan writing diatribes online. So my opinion is just that, but at least the film made me laugh so I guess any reaction counts for something and that counts for my rating on this.

2/5

Hard Ride To Hell (2010)

Cast: Miguel Ferrer, Laura Mennell and Brendan Penny

Writers: Matthew Chernov, David Rosiak, Penelope Buitenhuis

Director: Penelope Buitenhuis

At first glance of the cover art, I couldn't help but think it had an uncanny resemblance to "Drag Me To Hell". With the title being almost similar, I couldn't help but think this was a Low Budget knock off (Even though that wouldn't be such a bad thing) But, it wasn't, it was it's own film and was rather original and rather interesting as well. I didn't expect much from it, but I did watch with a clear mind and with out biased potential so I can do my best to enjoy the film as I try to every film I watch. It's easy to do with any film, but many can be hard to swallow or extremely hard to swallow in the case of the film being dreadful and lame. However, this film gave me something to enjoy.

The film opens up in Texas where we see a man and his son walking with their mule in what appears to be the western times. They run into some crazy woman, who takes a bite out of daddy and is put down by some Cowboys from hell. The boy is given an amulet by his father, said to protect him and the film jumps into present day where our cowboys are now the satanic sons of anarchy.(not their name just a bad joke) We now see a group of friends cruising in their camper going out for a little camp in a remote area. They run into an ex-military guy who sells knives and he warns them to becareful. Later on in the evening, one of the guys decides to bleed the main vain and stumbles upon the evil bikers doing a ceremony. He thinks it's pretty awesome until they start eating all the hot nude chicks and spot him. He runs to get his friends to get the hell out of dodge when they're all caught except one smart gal who hid. The bikers reveal they are looking for a host to impregnate to release the antichrist upon the world and have chose one of the lucky females in the group to bare it. Do they succeed in their evil plot for dominating the world in leather or do they fail? Gotta watch to find out.

The plot, is certainly different. I cant quite put my finger on it, but the feel of the film is different. I don't know if I'm confused by it or what. But it most certainly is a horror flick. It kinda felt like a homage of "The Hills Have Eyes" with a pinch of "Ghost Town" and a few others, but at the same time didn't which gave it it's only little blend of originality, although feeling far too familiar. I can't write it off as cliche' cause I've never seen anything like this. The characters were average, minus the evil bikers who were nutty and the ex military knives guy. The acting was decent and the direction of the film wasn't to bad either. It was very cinematic and looked like something that could have hit theaters and would've failed because people don't seem to like fictional plots these days. (Well at least the popcorn crowd)

The violence was okay, there wasn't an abundance of gore but then again gore isn't the only thing that makes a movie good. You can make a quality film of the aspect of the story itself. It's all about execution and this film, in my opinion was very well executed. You have a nice body count and it isn't overly done. In fact it seems quite suiting to the tone of the film and feels right. Some of the death scenes got a reaction from me, but not in the sense that I was really impressed, just pleased with and enjoyment. Sure many would probably prefer more gore, since suddenly gore is on high demand, but I feel this was fine as it was and there's a nice amount of violence as is.

Overall, I dug this movie. It kept me watching and interested, but at the same time wondering why I was interested. It's not a bad movie in my opinion and I'm not too sure what to point out for them to make it better. But it's not a jump to see movie either, you can pass it along for plenty of other flicks. It is worth checking out however, I guess cause it's rather humorous to see a group of demon bikers. Which is kind of down played cause we know they're old, know they're demonic but look like normal bikers. Well I guess that's one thing they could have worked on.(and I could work on paying better attention to my own words as to not completely contradict myself) All and all it's a tolerable film and I enjoyed it, it's the type of movie, if I owned, I would watch once in a while cause it gave me a different feeling. Can't explain what that feeling is, but I guess it's a feeling of amusement and confusion, but not in a bad way.

3/5