Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell (1986)

Cast: Theo Depuay, Kelley Kunicki and C.W. Casey

Writer: ????

Director: Don Swan

I remember going to the video store as a kid and perusing through the horror flicks. Being raised on horror I always had to watch them when video night came along, even if it were one horror movie. On the top of the shelf stood a movie box proud and tall (seriously it was the size of a vcr) and I never forgot the cover cause it creeped the hell out of me. I forgot the name however and was never able to see it, especially as a kid cause my mom did not approve of the films box art. In my late teens a friend had a membership to a local video store in his neighborhood, that has been there since he can remember. We decided to go rent a few good flicks and to my surprise this film was in their selection. Curious, we had to rent it.

The box art looks cool, the title sounds cool, its a b-flick from the 80's so it's gotta be cool? NO, it's not! not at all, in fact it is the most wretched piece of horse ass I've ever seen in my life. This films "plot" begins in the 1300 or so where some wizard is cast out and doomed to an eternity of feasting on human flesh. So what does he do? Fast forward to the 80's where he owns a shitty bar and grill. You're expose to way too much dialog which I think is improvised, like this entire atrocity. It seems like the kind of movie a group of friends winged with their youtube videos and ironically were shot at the same place whilst wearing the same clothing. Or with less effort shot in one night, with this piece of flaming elephant shit I'll pick the latter of the two.

Aside from the shitty zombie curse bullshit, there really isn't a plot or set characters aside from this old retard of the living dead that looks quite alive. We're forced to sit through random dancing and not of the icarly kind. A lame ass scene with some asshole on the piano singing, he watch this fuck tard of a zombie make a drink and mind you there's even a lamer joke in the end credits about the drink. Usually for a bad film I would say the best thing about it was the credits. But even this films credits made me want to take an infected bladder piss on an electric fence after having a rusty pipe reamed up my dick hole and a fire ant colony move in. And that's just the end credits. If I could express the amount of dick fart this film made me feel for wasting the hour and twenty minutes of my soul when I could have more than likely been doing anything, it would be a bibliography of epic sorrow.

Never in my life, has a film pissed me off so bad, I had to get drunk after, my friends and I literally beat the shit out of each-other for not turning off the film or just walking away. This film made me want to commit suicide and I am not over exaggerating, this film is epically bad. Just about every review I've read about it claims the same facts of it being probably the worst movie ever made. It may or may not be but to me it most certainly is. Notice I said "most" reviews? Yeah some asshole in the NY Times actually had the balls to compare this horses shit box to the work of Herschel Gordon Lewis. Funny cause his films had plot, and premise and most of all GORE! Where the fuck is all the gore in this piece of anal rape?

FX? Ha, so cheap it makes the worst Bollywood film look as epic as T2. The one "gory scene consisted of a guy screaming and the "Zombie Chef" holding what looked like a chicken cutlet in his hand. This film made "Ice Cream Man" look like "Cannibal Holocaust". There's also a scene where the zombie "fights" with one of the wizards, whom is a hobo, and they appear to be using the force on each-other. As you can see the "writer" if this person exists, was so terribly ashamed of this fuck fest that "it" remained anonymous. If I had to guess I'd say THERE WAS NO FUCKING WRITER, THEY MADE THIS SHIT UP AS THE WENT ALONG! Or the writer commited suicide shortly after this failure was released.

Overall, there is absolutely nothing good about this film aside from the very deceiving box art. But then even that isn't good cause it can reel in the unknowing into thinking they may watch a gory masterpiece and what they get is a prison gang bang of a film. And a prison gang bang might be more promising whereas it has a premise, everyone is horny and you're the fish. At the end they cum, you shit out blood and are soiled in semen and boom it's a movie. UNLIKE THIS GOD AWFUL PIECE OF ASS VOMIT THAT HAS THE NERVE TO BE PRINTED ON CELLULOID. Avoid this film like if it's a diseased hot chick with blue waffle and leprosy on her tits. Actually that ideology sounds too interesting. Avoid this film as if you're a christian trying not to go to hell, because this film will send you their and you would need God's grace to save you after. Too bad God's grace can never save this atrocity from receiving the rating of..... This film definitely goes down in the "Anals" of horror and film history cause it was the shittiest piece of shit ever released from the bowels of film. I'd like to buy a copy from each person involved with the film, get them to autograph it, then beat them with it and steal my money back and take theirs as well, assuming the have any.