Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Cast: Eihi Shiina, Itsuji Itao and Yukihide Benny

Writers: Kengo Kaji, Maki Mizui, Yoshihiro Nishimura

Director: Yoshihiro Nishimura

I have to say, the title of this film is EXACTLY what you pay for. It takes place in Tokyo, it's insanely Gory, and go figure there's Police in it to. (Yes Bad Joke Police come and get me) I'm still trying to research the exact amount of gallons of blood used in the film. Maybe watching the special features would suffice, but I'm still in the process of moving. Enough of my boring life. "Tokyo Gore Police"n many claim to be the first film directed by Yoshihiro Nishimura, which it isn't. But it is probably his bloodiest film and may quite well be THE BLOODIEST FILM ever made.

Japan has always been known for it's  influential and trendy culture. With the myriad of anime geeks and manga nerds that think they're "turning japanese" by adamantly watching every anime they can get their mitts on, reading every manga possible, listening to j-rock and pop and dressing like their fave characters. Japan also has been mustering up great films as well for years. Though in recent years they've been going INSANE, with titles like "Meatball Machine, Cruel Restaurant" and of course "Tokyo Gore Police". It's not a certainty the TGP put this insanity into gear, I personally feel Takashi Miike was a huge inspiration in this movement. But one thing is for certain, you have never seen anything like TGP and probably never will.

The first 8 minutes of the film is just bloody and it get's bloodier and bloodier with some of the most interesting creatures such as one with a dick cannon, to another that shoots acid from her breasts. The film Opens up with Ruka (Eihi Shiina) having a flashback about her dad, where she begins to violently cut herself in a patrol car. She's interrupted by a call telling her a team is getting their rear ends ended to them by an engineer. Ruka rocket blasts herself to the roof to kick some ass and boom film begins. Is simple as the opening sounds, ITS BLOODY! I can't stress it enough.

Engineers are basically humans that are forcefully implanted with a key shaped tumor in their body that become ruthless killing machines with the ability to turn their body in a bigger threat than their proclivities. They're Tokyo's greatest threat and the only thing that's been stopping them is Ruka and the Tokyo Police Force. (Mostly Ruka) To top it off an insane killer is on the loose draining women of their blood and putting them in boxes. To our surprise he's also lead engineer, whilst undercover Ruka get's into a battle with him and is subdued where he then infects her. Now does Ruka become one of them or does she fight for her humanity? Watch the damn movie it's so worth it.

If you like blood guts and have a sense of humor and are also a fan of films like "Robocop" and "Starship Troopers" This film is definitely up your alley. It has insane humor, insane characters and of course an INSANE AMOUNT OF BLOOD! "Tokyo Gore Police" is definitely in your face and is an almost non stop gore fest.(I say almost cause there would be now story now would there) This is definitely one of my favorite films of all time and I'm still waiting for the sequel.

Overall, this is an epic blood soaked symphony of futuristic mayhem with surrealistic and realistic point of views, which if you catch while watching the film you'll find funny but true. Such as the "wrist cutters advertisement" freely promoting self mutilation as a fashion. Sounds like a goofy trend huh? This film made me laugh my ass off and we know for sure this was their intention, to make a fun film. I have to stress that point because I read many reviews stating "how can the Japanese be taken seriously when they call this a serious film". Really now? My blind grandmother can tell this film is meant to be a goofy gory cheese fest of fun for people that love that type of cinema like myself and with that my rating.

5/5

Tower of Blood (2005)

Cast: Barbara Scolaro, Chris Todd and Kerry Lynne Feirman

Writer: Jeremiah Campbell

Director: Corbin Timbrook

I have always been a horror film critic, not professionally, mostly vocally, recommending what my friends should watch and avoid like the plague. Many recommended I get my own website or try to get work as a critic and for them, this is the closest I'll likely get cause I feel my reviews are shite, but they're honest and primarily written for my friends. The feedback I have received from certain filmmakers I have reviewed so far has been great and I'm glad to know they enjoy my work as much as I enjoy theirs. In the past I also watched a bunch of terrible and I mean god awful films. Films of such ungodly garbage I couldn't rid of the stink for months. With that said, friends would try to find the worse horror movies imaginable and make me watch them. (Almost like Mystery Science Theater 3000 except in The Bronx) <--I totally set that up for others to pun. One day a dear friend of mine says "I have the worse film ever made, worse than anything you have ever seen in your life". I chuckled and said "I already own Raiders of The Living Dead" which I got rid of by the way, and he responded "No you have to see this."

Days later i go to him and pick up the film he claims to be "the worst film ever" and chuckle at the cover calling the killer "the missing member of Slipknot". I think, how bad could this be? It can't be too bad can it? I know I tend to build up my reviews with a form of pseudo mystique to make the readers think the film may be bad and then it isn't, but I can't, I really can't, cause this film is GOD AWFUL! I mean terrible, words can't explain the pain I endured whilst watching this terrible piece of donkey shit on a plate filled with abortion remnants, and semen covered maggots. There, I said it! It's even so bad that I have to really and I mean REALLY search the web to find pics of this god awful unholy disaster of a film. The box art even has the nerve to lie to you.

The film starts with the killer, ironically named "The Killer", (YES I KID YOU NOT, IT'S A JOKE GONE BAD.) Escaping from a mental institution and walking, yes we see him walking. Well his feet and he is wearing a pair of Patrick Ewing's. Yes and we see this for what feels like ten minutes, I'm not sure but it's a long time because they have enough time to play not one, but TWO crappy songs. He walks into the "Tower" which is revealed to be a thirteen floor building (not much of a tower if you ask me, but then again even those with autism have imagination) and the movie begins after watching the elevator for a few more minutes.

We then meet our goofy cast of cliche characters, the hot girl with the feeling something bad is going to happen, the hot chicks with the big boobs, the goofy single guy nobody takes seriously, the token black guy, some other dude and later a hispanic guy and his girl, whom everyone makes crystal clear several times that he's hispanic. Well one of these douche bag's parents owns the building so they decide they want to party there not knowing the tenth unwanted member of slipknot lurks in the shadows and changes his walking pace from normal to limping.

This film is terrible, the plot is cliche and extremely unintelligible, the acting is shit, the continuity is probably even worse then the pre-recorded music used on tv show's like Worlds Dumbest". This film is the poster child for world's dumbest and I can only blame the writer for writing it and the Director for directing it. The Directing may have made better films after, who knows. One thing is certain, not even God himself would be able to direct this film any better. I would though. I'd direct that piece of shit script down a toilet and yell That's a wrap".

Overall, avoid this film like a wandering vagina with extra strength aids, being one of the last vagina's on earth. It's so terrible it's not even funny. Literally, it's not laughably bad at all, it's the most irritating, hebetudinous piece of ass fuck to ever fuck my eye sockets. Yet still, isn't the worst film I've seen, but is pretty much up on the list. This film is so bad it doesn't and never will make my rating system so you do the math.

The Hood Has Eyez (2007)

Cast: Carlos Javier Castillo, Cydne Shulte, Anne Stinnette

Writer: Terence Williams

Director: Terence Williams

I almost feel guilty writing this review, seeing as how I'm good friends with the Director and many would think I'm marking out for him just to win friend points. I'm fairly certain however, that he like all those who know me also know I'm not the kind to kiss ass or beat around the bush. If I like your work, I like your work. If I think it sucks, then it sucks. Anyone can either thank me for my honesty or get over it. With that said, you the readers will get my full honesty on Terrence Williams' rape/revenge shocker "The Hood Has Eyez". Read on and see what I think.

 When I first stumbled upon the trailer of this film on youtube, The title made me laugh, especially since I've seen many a "Hood" titled horror movies and knew non can deliver.When I saw the trailer, my laughter ceased and interest grew and grew until I had the film in my hand. Now for anyone with intentions on seeing this film, be advised that their are plenty of "Micro-Budgeted Films" being made everyday, some bring up questions as to why? Others are real gems that grow a cult following. Now you're probably wondering where this film lands, as a do or a don't?

The film opens with a nice shower scene with our beautiful antagonist Kimmy (Cydne Schulte) as she prepares to venture off to school. She meets up with her Catholic school girl friends Rachel and Susan (Jamielynn Kane, Jesselynn Desmond) and they convince Kimmy to ditch school and hit a hookey party with them in the hood. Lost, they find themselves driving down a strange alley where they accidentally hit what looks like a potential rape victim with their car. Startled by her abruptly getting up they run and run into two charming thugs by the names of Joker and Psycho (Carlos Javier Castillo, Antonio Royuela) and this our festivities begin.

Though the film is shot on a micro-budget, it's shot well. The cuts and shots and even, the little cinematic effects really break the watcher away from caring of the budget. The picture is clear and clean and you get to see the film without it being hard on the eyes or ears. (Unless you can't handle the concept or actions of the film that is) The dialog is great, you get a bunch of awesomely cheesy one liners from Joker, and the dialog compliments the character development in the film as well. The acting is also good, our team of actors and actresses in this film have definitely complimented the stylings of Terrence's shock masterpiece and should be proud to be a part of a new wave of cult history.

Violence and bloodshed, is added in the film with some very brutal death scenes. Again the budget constraints does not allow to have Savinian fx. But the gore in the film is still really good and effective. I've bared witness to several turn from the sight of certain scenes and comment later "even though the gore wasn't all Hollywood, the idea with the imagery OFFENDED me." A true quote from a friends ex who also followed with "why the fuck would you show me that movie?" I simply replied "because".

So far all those I have exposed to this film, have loved it. They all felt it was right on point and is definitely the influence of many modern day Rape/Revenge films or as some say "the poster child" In ways I can't help but feel some rape/revenge films that followed after have adapted some influence in one way or another, and it's not really a bad thing, just as long as it's executed correctly and not a blatant rip off. In my opinion I feel that many current Rape/Revenge films will only live in the shadow of tour de force, not only because it was one of the first I have seen come out in years, but it, in so many words, WENT TOO FAR. In a great way and that is ample proof that Terrence is a man that knows what he's doing.

Overall, as you can tell, I love this film, I loved it before Terrence and Nicole (Producer) Became friends and will continue too. I also can't wait for the already announced sequel, which excites me to know some of the details I will not disclose to anyone. But if you like this one you'll love the sequel once it's done. Need proof? Watch Williams' "Llorona" trilogy, which got better and better with every sequel. But that's a whole other set of reviews. Too me, "The Hood Has Eyez" is the Cannibal Holocaust of modern day rape/revenge films and I know with a bigger budget Terrence will really penetrate the thoughts of his fans further.

5/5

Run! Bitch Run! (2009)

Cast: Christina DeRosa, Cheryl Lyone and Peter Tahoe

Writers: Joseph Guzman, Robert James Hayes II

Director: Joseph Guzman

When I came across this film with it's epic title, I didn't know what to expect. I thought one of two things, one: it can either be a really good flick or two: it can be epic fail like certain other films with curse words in their title. I prepared myself and was even rather vehement until a friend convinced me it was worth watching by simply saying "Yeah man you gotta see it". So I did, and now here's my thoughts on "Run! Bitch Run!"

The story is rather simple seeing that it's a rape/revenge film and we know those films are pretty easy to come up with the idea, but can be hard to execute. This film opens with our 3 antagonists, all doing their thing (more or less) When our female antagonist Marla (Ivet Corvea) Seems to not be enjoying her disgruntled John who begins to disrespect her, only for her to stab him repeatedly. After killing him her two buddies Lobo and Clint (Peter Tahoe,Johnny Winscher) Run up to her room to find out what's going on. Upon discovering the corpse and not being able to lift, do to the weight of the man, they decide to chop up the body, bag it and toss it.

We now see our protagonists Rebecca and Catherine (Christina DeRosa, Cheryl Lyone) whom are two lovely catholic school girls out and about doing god's work, when they unexpectedly come across our insane fun filled antagonists, whom reduce, abuse and devour the girls and leaving Catherin alive to seek her bloody revenge. Sounds tempting Huh? Is the film actually good? Well let's give the specs about this rape/revenge film.

This film is filmed like an old school rape/revenge flick and it definitely gives off the feel of one also. Everything from the acting to the dialog and the makes this film a definite pièce de résistance! Though rape/revenge films can be easy to make as I noted having a decent plot is hard to come by and this film along with Terrence Williams' "The Hood Has Eyez" are the best recent rape/revenge masterpieces I've seen. The pace for this film is great, the feel again. i just right and the acting is on point. The Direction, MARVELOUS! Guzman knows what he's doing and can definitely and should definitely keep with this classic direction style.

The violence is nice and bloody, I'm not to sure how much of a budget they were looking at, but what lacked in budget was made up for in skill, great shot and the right amount of blood to make this film nice and bloody. There's some tasty death served up as well. The film is also packed with nudity of course and other types of ingredients to create a nice little exploitation in homage to many of it's predecessors and it certainly lives up.

Overall, I found this film very enjoyable and think anyone that is a fan of B-films, exploitation and so on, will definitely get a kick out of this. It's raw and gritty and fun. It has the right amount of sex, violence and debauchery and is definitely a feel good film for the whole family. (If you're the Manson family) I surely do recommend this one to those with my twisted taste and say you won't be disappointed. (Unless you're one of those people that expects things to be overly gruesome or expects to much from the indies) I say Run! Bitch Run! is great in my book.

5/5

Cast: Lauren McKnight, Chris Zylka and Matt Angel

Writers: Jed Elinoff, Scott Thomas

Director: Jacob Gentry

Right after watching the first film, I noticed there was a second film released, again straight to MTV in 2010. I figured well the first let me chuckle with it's un-witty execution so what can it hurt to watch the second. Maybe they stepped it up more as far as plot, kills, character development and so on. I mean there are enough filmmakers that learn from their mistakes and make better sequels (unless of course you're Michael Bay) So did the crew learn from their previous errors or did they deliver an even heavier disaster?

In this direct sequel, we follow Skye (Mcknight) as she goes in search for her mother whom abandoned her at a young age, due to the fact she wasn't ready to be a mother. Skye meets her mom who explains and fills certain holes in the previous film through out the film making herself out to seem like a complete moronic bitch of contradiction. We also follow Skye's love interest Brigg (Chris Zylka) and her nerdy Best Friend Derek (Matt Angel) as they do their best to seek out and find Skye. Skye also finds out she has a younger half sister, whom is some what unstable, suffering from emotional issues.

Skye's little sister Alex (Kristen Prout) turns out to be semi bratty, but does hang out with the wrong crowd of girls lead by super bitch extraordinaire, Zoe (Stella Maeve) Zoe, spends most of her time trying to convince alex why it's a great idea to throw her party at her dad's club, while Amy stay's reluctant to the idea. She also tries to friend Skye, but Skye already knows her kind and isn't hip to her b/s.

All a while Skye is trying to get things in order and into perspective, she has no idea that her father is stalking her out and is still up to is old tricks of the killing kind. Meanwhile, Derek finds a girlfriend, Brigg is on some kind of obsessive binge and they eventually her back from Skye and manage to find her location with Derek's internet wizardry. They set out to find Skye, who ironically is turning 16, and set there sites on a club in the current town shes in that they just "know" she's and of course her daddy the killer is in also.

Okay, if you noticed by know i give of certain plot details in all my reviews not to ruin the films, whether they're good or bad, I just don't like spoilers so I give enough to jog the curiosity of the readers and either peak their interest or send them away. This films was constructed a little better, a lot of holes were filled even some that seemed potential in this one. However, there's no mention of time frame, it seems as if both films take place in the span of a week, rather than a few weeks. But it was well executed, better than the first though the death scenes left less to desire. Charlie looked better also, he was out of Sir Assalot get up and was sporting a spiffy trench.

Though a lot of the plot was filled and so on, the film had the same exact formula as the first which gave it an almost classic slasher feel, but if you read my review on the first, then you'll now it was filled with an over abundance of cliche's and so on. However, the acting was a lot better, but the film all together was executed as less of a film and more of a TV series in my opinion. The first felt more like a film where as this one really didn't.

Overall, the certain little details made it a better film, but it's still more of the same old thing, without the feeling of the same old things we would watch and love. It's almost forgetful in ways cause there's really nothing to standout and of course Skye, whom is haunted by nightmares (like 2 only) and is "traumatized" by what happened barely shows it. It's almost as if the writers forgot to remind her or what happened. I think she should've been a lot more edgier, she had her moments once in a while but still was unconvincing. The acting, which I think I mentioned was a lot better and did help compliment the film, cause everyone seemed less programmed but of course Mckinght stole the show again.

Again, out of curiosity and sheer boredom watch it. You may like it or hate it, but one things for sure it's not the greatest and it's the worst post modern slasher drama film created. And as a spoiler alert, be ready for a third one. Not that it's anything to be happy about really.

2.5/5

My Super Psycho Seet 16 (2009)

Cast: Julianna Guill, Lauren McKnight and Chris Zylka

Writers: Jed Elinoff, Scott Thomas

Director: Jacob Gentry

The other day I was perusing films to watch online and came upon this film. I decided to watch not knowing it was an MTV Original until the first credit of the film was shown. All I could thing at that moment was dear god why but continued to watch rather than shun and dismiss as many tend to do without total confirmation of whether the film is good or bad. I also heard no buzz about this and quite frankly never knew of its existence, so I thought what the hell I've seen worse" and thought I would rue the second I spoke those words. Did I or did I not?

The film starts about in a roller rink owned by a man by the name of Charlie Rotter, whom has an extreme hate for teens. He and his young daughter (Skye) are both in a both watching upon all the skaters when she reminds him to do a little cake and song for some bratty teen. He then dresses up as the "Lord of The Rink" to take the kid his cake, when the kid insults, slaps the cake out of his hands and ridicules him more. Until, Charlie begins to choke the kid. He let's the kid go and he and his friends leave. A few hours later, he returns to exact his revenge on the "Lord" by breaking in with his girlfriend, breaking a pool stick and skating whilst Listening to Limp Bizkit's "Nookie". He notices his girlfriend Vanishes into the shadows and then is dragged out by our goofy looking killer, who then murders the young chap. Cops then come out of nowhere and arrest Charlie and our story continues years later.

Skye (Lauren Mcknight) is now a socially awkward teen (who seems to be rather normal) and is living..... with a foster family???? I don't recall them mentioning, Seriously plot hole or was I not paying much attention? Well she goes to highschool and falls in love with the most popular guy, whom does the same her and his super ex bitchy girlfriend (whom coincidentally has her father rent out Charlie's now abandoned roller rink for her sweet 16) doesn't seem to like it much. So begins to be the cliche' spoiled brat with her group of insufferable tarts. The film continues to wrap itself around the teen drama (almost making you forget it was supposed to be a horror film) Until the night of the party.

This film is very much a post modern slasher, in every way. It's lack of originality, It's cliche' characters, its overly dramatic tone and pace and lack of good actors/actresses with the exception of Mcknight herself whom was a very decent actress. You can't expect much from a made for TV horror flick especially when backed by MTV. However, this film isn't completely horrible. The it is set with a serious tone, I found that to make it watchable due to the fact that the killer looks RIDICULOUS and his arsenal of weapons are all Medieval weapons. Its kind of like a joke gone bad but right at the same time.

The dialog is just plain redundant and not too realistic for teens in my opinion. Many of the actors/actresses insanely over act and can't seem to grasp the concept of "natural". I don't blame the actors/actresses because there's such thing as a director and obviously this one was either apathetic and looking forward to cash in only, or just sucks at the job. But I think all the cons fair off as pros in the end and the film does have some okay death scenes and one is just off the wall funny.

Overall, I didn't hate the film, but didn't love the film. If I were to own it, it would be simply for laughs and to show those that do not believe it exists. I've own worse films, trust me and for it being a post modern slasher, its slightly more violent than some which were released theatrically. I don't fully recommend this film, but say watch it if you're curious, if its on netflix and if you have nothing else better to watch. We all have different opinions and my opinions on any reviews are only facts as to my taste in cinema. Being completely unbiased I can say this film did get my attention and gave me chuckles, as redundant, pretentious and lame a concept it is, but again it's not anything you should rush to see cause you may be disappointed at this over compensated teeny bopper slasher drama.

2.5/5

The Convent (2000)

Cast: Joanna Canton, Richard Trapp and Dax Miller

Writer: Chaton Anderson

Director: Mike Mendez

Last night (or this morning rather) I got the pleasure of watching "The Convent" Directed by Mike Mendez for the first. I haven't heard much about the film, but seeing as how I'm a fan of "The Gravedancers" and am Eagerly awaiting a DVD release of "Killers" (as are many I think including Mike Himself) I jumped on the chance to watch this and to no surprise, I LOVED IT!

The story starts out in the 1960's, where a hot young bad ass walks into a convent and starts fucking up Nuns, set's them and fire and unleashing a hail of gunfire on them as well. YES THIS IS RIGHT IN THE BEGINNING! The film then Jumps 40 yrs later and introduces us to our cast, whom are a group of college students trying to tag up the convent for their frat to beat out another frat. You have all the right cliche's for an excellent B-Movie masterpiece. You have the token black jock, the annoying cheerleader, the nerdy virgin, the wigger, the average girl, her asshole boyfriend, and the goth chick.

These young folks go to venture the convent, speak of the legends and start to look around before cops arrive and tell them to come on out. Goth girl tells wigger to say she ran off cause she's on probation and she'd make it "worth his while" and hides in the convent to wait for things to blow over. The Scooby kids meet two awesome yet odd cops played by THE MAN BILL FUCKING MOSELEY and COOLIO, yes COOLIO. Who scare the shit out of the gang and send them running. We watch as the cute goth girl becomes abducted only to find her kidnappers are a group of pretentious pseudo satanist that take themselves WAY too seriously. They plan her as a sacrifice after hearing her early on mention she was a virgin whom was, get this "saving herself for Marilyn Manson". And so they sacrifice her only to awake the demons that roam with in the convent.

This film in my opinion is EPIC! It's "Night of The Demons" on crack in a great way, and is also a nice take on the demon genre in general. The characters are fun, the script is funny and is right up to par for any fan of fun B-Movies. It's nicely directed and of course dishes out a good amount of blood and gore. My only complaint in all honesty was that it ended and was a little short, but the ending was hilarious. Wishes? A sequel definitely joining the great writing of Chaton Anderson and the great direction of Mike Mendez.

Overall, if you have the same taste as I, this film is definitely for you, it has cheesy one liners here and there, but the atmosphere of the film as well as the pace won't make you mad at them. I laughed my ass off and enjoyed this film from beginning to end. I'm not trying to mark out for Mendez, but I really think he is extremely underrated and needs more credibility and can't wait to see more from him. I'd also love to see more films written by Anderson as well, cause the clever, fun of this film made me feel warm inside. With that said I rate this epic Five dead Nuns out of Five....

5/5